


who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Canon Era, Depression, F/M, Forgiveness, Hamliza, Historical Accuracy, Hurt/Comfort, I love angst too much help, I love this damn ship, I'm Sorry Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mental Breakdown, Post-Reynolds Pamphlet, Song: Innocent (Taylor Swift), and I'm not sorry about that lmao, and i'm not sorry at all, and probably ham too, fluff (kind of), h a m l i z a, the title is based off a Taylor swift song, this was an excuse to write sadboi™ hammie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:21:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22639972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander has been trying his best to prove that he's changed.And Eliza notices."It's okay, life is a tough crowdThirty two and still growin' up nowWho you are is not what you didYou're still an innocent,"
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 5
Kudos: 94





	who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent

**Author's Note:**

> My friend was sad so I wrote her some good old hamliza to cheer her up

July 13th, 1792

They were back on speaking terms. Alexander knew not to push her, not to go too far with his words or actions. Their relationship was still fragile. Eliza needed more time to heal and he knows this. 

He still feels an overwhelming amount of guilt. It seeps into his soul, mixing with the stress of work and pain, from losing so much to create a gloom over him. He's tired all the time, nothing seems as exciting as it used to. Sometimes he thinks about ending it  
But he stays, for Eliza and their kids. 

He takes care of their kids, leaving his office if the baby starts crying at awful hours of the morning. He doesn't mind doing the laundry if Eliza isn't up to it. It doesn't bother him that it was a woman's task.

He's trying. Trying to prove to Eliza he's different now, trying as hard as he can. And Eliza knows he is. 

.

They were headed to Philadelphia, to stay there for a bit while their house is being fixed. That meant a long carriage ride, with all five of their kids(yes I know they had eight just they haven't had all their kids yet). Everyone was inside the carriage already except for Alexander, who was struggling to carry all the suitcases into the carriage.

He finished moving them eventually, and returned to the main part of the carriage. 

He scanned the seats, making sure everyone was there. The kids all sat on the seats facing backwards. Some bags were piled on the other bench, where Eliza was seated. 

He gulped.

The only space was next to Eliza. And it didn't seem like that much space.

He eyes the space and then Eliza, to see her reaction. She nods, allowing him to sit next to her. He sits, nervously shifting. She can feel him shaking slightly, and she can see his face tint slightly pink.

It's not long before the carriage starts moving. Alex can hear the crack of the Coachman's whip against the horses.

The carriage is silent for the most part, other than the occasional conversation between the kids. Eliza is reading her favorite book, Alex is staring out the window. He had gotten used to Eliza next to him. She seemed at ease, so Alex's nerves were calmed.

The carriage hit a pothole, and Alex was jolted out of his trance. He accidentally smacked the book out of Eliza's hand when he jumped.

"Oh- I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to-" he stumbled to form words.

They both reached for the book, their hands brushing quickly. His hand was cold. 

He hands the book back to her and he returns to looking out the window. He pretends to not notice how much closer she's sitting, their legs touching, almost pressing together.

Thirty minutes pass, and it feels like hours to Alexander. Eliza had lost interest in her book, more focused on staring at Alexander. 

She did miss him. And it seemed he was trying, trying his best to show her he'd changed. 

Her gaze shifted to his face, and Alexander tried not to notice her eyes on him, pretending to be absorbed in the window. 

Looking at his face, she noticed how lately he didn't ever really look happy. She knew he was prone to depressive episodes, but she had a feeling that most of it was because of their situation. She feels sympathetic for him, but in the back of her mind she tells herself that it's his fault, for having the affair and his fault for telling her.

But he told her, he owned up to making a mistake. He admitted he was wrong, he was working to change himself, to fix things.

It's all a blur in her head, slightly overwhelming her. She returns to her book, to clear her mind. But she still thought of him, even while absorbed with the characters in her book. The romance in the book reminds her of their own relationship, the deep blue of the cover reminds her of those intelligent eyes.

She looks back at his hand. It was small and delicate, almost slightly feminine. Much like the rest of him.

She feels brave at the moment. 

Eliza reaches over, and takes his hand. She intertwines her fingers with his. His hand didn't move, so she looks at him. He's looking forward, in complete shock. 

Alexander looks at Eliza, then down at their intertwined hands, then back at her. She can see a mix of emotions on his face. Disbelief, shock, confusion, sadness, exhaustion.

She looks him in the eye with the most calm look she can muster, her face looking serene. 

Perhaps that was what broke his dam. 

.

His eyes flooded with uncontrollable tears, trying to bite back his sobs. He was shaking hard. Eliza's face softened, as she whispered a quiet "come here", and he did, burying his face into her chest.

He didn't even try to hold back his sobs anymore, his tears ruining the neckline of her gown. She stroked his hair softly, wrapping her arms around him. She knew exactly how to handle him when he was like this.

The children definitely noticed. They watched sympathetically as their father cried loudly and helplessly in their mother's arms. Philip mouthed 'is everything okay?' to Eliza, who nodded.

Eliza thought Alex would've cried himself out at this point, but he didn't. He tried speaking, but he couldn't form words, and if he did, they'd be interrupted by sobs. All he could do was sputter out things that sounded vaguely like words.

After a bit of trying, he could finally manage to get something out.

"I'm so sorry, I should've known, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry..." 

Eliza quieted him, planting a kiss on his temple. She rubbed circles on his back until his sobs quieted. She smiled when his sobs faded into soft sniffs, muffled by her dress.

"It's okay, I love you." she said softly, thinking it would cheer him up.

However Alexander only started crying again, stuttering and mumbling about how he didn't deserve her. She went back to comforting him, holding him tighter, and pulling him closer to her.

It was a long time before he calmed down, but he did eventually, soothed by Eliza's reassurance. 

"I'm sorry," he repeats, over and over again.

"I know, it's okay." she says.

His sobs stopped and his breathing slowed. Eliza figured he must have drifted to sleep in her arms. He must have been tired, as it hadn't been that late.

She looks down at him. Eliza liked the feeling of him in her arms. Just like old times. He looked peaceful.

Maybe, she thinks, Maybe they'd be okay in the long run.

She thinks about it again, and decides that she'll forgive him one day. She needs a little more time, but she's content with him laying in her arms at the moment.

.

**Author's Note:**

> was this an excuse to write Alexander having a breakdown so Eliza can comfort him? yes.
> 
> my Wattpad is paper_rings and I post a lot more often there lmao


End file.
